Making decisions about alcohol is one of the challenges your child will face as a teenager. Your support and advice as a parent/caregiver is critical, even though it will not always be welcomed.

This section includes suggestions to help you manage alcohol-related issues with your teenager. At times they may test you to the limit. Stand your ground and remember the teenage years don't last forever.

If you are concerned about your teenager and drinking, some suggestions are:

• Know where they are.
• Give them credit to use on their cellphone to be used especially for calling you.
• Give them a phone card or get a Home 0800 number so that they can ring you from any phone, even if they have no money.
• Give them some emergency money so they can get a taxi home.
• Tell them they can phone you at any time and you will come and pick them up.
• Organise a car pool with the parents of your teenager's friends.
• For younger teens, communicate with other parents about where the teens are and what they are doing.
• Discuss in advance with teenagers that you want them to let you know when they are home. Many parents want to know this before going off to sleep.

What seems to work

Research has found there are a number of ways parents can help teenagers develop a responsible attitude to alcohol.

• Communication.
• Your Expectations.
• Supervision.
• Coping Skills.
• Should I Introduce My Child to Alcohol?

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Communication

Communicating with your teenager can be hard work. Keep at it, even when the going gets tough. Avoid criticism, lecturing, interrogating and blaming. Be interested in your teenager's life while respecting their need for privacy.

There are times when your teenager may be more open to talk such as while you are out in the car. Make room for them to open up to you by listening carefully without interrupting or trying to change how they think or feel.

If you are concerned about your son or daughter tell them what concerns you. It's important that you get the help and support you need. Check out the list of resources on parenting teenagers in the help and information section.

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Your expectations

Make clear rules about alcohol use with your teenager and stick to them. Be reasonable, but make sure they know what kind of behaviour you expect. Being too strict in terms of alcohol doesn't seem to work, neither does being very liberal. Somewhere in between is best.

Discuss why these rules are important. Work out together what will happen if the rules are broken. Be consistent. If they are broken, follow through with the consequences. You won't be popular but your child will know where they stand. Some consequences parents have found useful are grounding their teenager or giving them extra household chores.

It is important you set a good example with your own drinking behaviour. Any hypocrisy on your part will be quickly spotted by your teenager.

If at all possible, both parents should agree and stick to the same rules about alcohol, even if they don't live together. Kids quickly pick up on any inconsistency between their parents and use it to their own advantage! If your partner or ex-partner will not support you, then call on other family members or friends.

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Supervision

Young people tend to drink more when their parents are not around. As a parent it is your responsibility to protect your child from harm, as best you can. Adult supervision is often not welcomed by teenagers. Get support from other adults. This might include relatives, close friends or the parents of your teenager's friends.

Try to keep up with what is going on in your teenager's life. Get to know their friends and make sure you know where your teenager is. That doesn't mean you need to follow them around or try to be part of their circle of friends. They need privacy too.

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Coping skills

Adolescence can be a very intense and difficult time and some young people use alcohol to try to blot out their problems. It's important for teenagers to learn positive skills to deal with stress, frustration and conflict. You might encourage them:

• To focus on the positives in their life – the things they are good at or enjoy like sport, art, music.
• Tell the person very clearly the effect their behaviour is having on you.
• To exercise.
• To talk their problems over with someone.

If your family has a history of alcoholism, then there is an increased risk that your teenager may become dependent on alcohol. It is important that you tell your teenager this and encourage them to take extra care with their drinking.

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Should I introduce my child to alcohol?

Although we hear stories about the French introducing their children to alcohol very early on, research shows that the younger a person starts drinking the more likely they are to run into problems. It is better for young people to start drinking later rather than earlier. Remember, as the parent/caregiver it is your job to set boundaries around the use of alcohol.

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When things go wrong

Even with the best parents in the world, young people can still run into trouble. Most teenagers will experiment with alcohol. Getting it wrong is unfortunately fairly common. This does not mean they will become an alcoholic. Many young people go through a phase of heavy drinking. Very few become alcohol dependent.

Here are some of the problems parents face with alcohol and their teenagers and some suggested actions when your teen:

• Goes to a party when they are not allowed to.
• Is taking alcohol from your drinks cupboard.
• Becomes violent when drunk.
• Is very drunk and unconscious.
• Is vomiting continuously.
• School performance is being affected by their drinking.
• Drinking is out of control.

Your teenager goes to a party despite you telling them they are not allowed to

If your teenager is sober when they arrive home and you feel able to control your anger, discuss the situation that night. If they are drunk, or you are too tired or angry to have a reasonable discussion, wait until the morning.

Let them know how you feel about their behaviour including any worries you had for their safety. Give them a chance to explain their behaviour. Go back over the rules you agreed to and make sure there is an appropriate consequence. For example you may ground your teenager for a week, including the following weekend.

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Your teenager is taking alcohol from your drinks cupboard

Deal with it as you would deal with any stealing within your family. Discuss what has happened with your son or daughter. Follow through with an appropriate consequence. For example, one parent asked her teenager to pay for the alcohol taken.

Your teenager becomes violent when drunk

You don't need to put up with violence from anyone, even family members. If you don't think you can control the situation, call someone who can come quickly. This might be a friend or the police.

Discuss the situation with your teenager when they have sobered up. Make it very clear that violence is not acceptable. For information about 'stopping violence' programmes check Help and information.

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Your teenager is very drunk and unconscious

Don't leave them alone. Lie them on their side in the recovery position. Make sure they are breathing and their mouth is empty. Keep them warm. If you are unable to wake them, dial 111 for an ambulance.

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Your teenager is vomiting continuously

Call 111 for an ambulance.

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Your teenager's school performance is being affected by their drinking and/or drug use

Just because your teenager is having problems with their drinking doesn't mean they are an alcoholic. However, the earlier they sort things out the better. They may be drinking as a way of coping with their troubles. Talk with them about this. By listening carefully and respectfully you are more likely to find out what is worrying them. You may wish to talk things over with somebody else. Check the help and information section for some ideas about who to contact.

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You feel your teenager's drinking is out of control

If after discussing things with your teenager the situation doesn't improve then it is important you discuss your concerns with a professional. There are services available in most towns and cities. The Alcohol Drug Helpline – 0800 787 797 – has the contact details for all the alcohol and drug services around New Zealand.

If at any time you wish to speak to someone anonymously about any concerns or questions you might have, you can telephone the Alcohol Drug Helpline on 0800 787 797.

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Friend, colleague, partner, family member

Are you worried about a family member, friend or colleague's drinking habits?

If you are concerned about the drinking of a family member, friend or colleague, let them know about the drinking guidelines.

As well, you could talk to them about two main ways they can make their drinking safer.

1. Suggest they have two or more days each week when they don’t drink any alcohol at all. This will help their body recover from the effects of the alcohol. Some people choose the same two or three days each week for their alcohol-free days. Others choose every second day. They should choose whatever suits them best and stick to it.

2. Suggest they avoid binge drinking. That is when they drink a lot more than usual on any one occasion and is one of the most dangerous types of drinking. In addition you could suggest they:

• Quench their thirst with a non-alcoholic drink.
• Eat before they drink, especially if they plan to party.
• Drink alcohol more slowly.
• Alternate alcoholic drinks with non-alcoholic drinks.

Here are some ideas to help you.

Having someone close to you who drinks heavily can cause a number of problems within your family, relationship or friendship. Common problems include:

• People may drink to deal with stress but this can often make things worse.
• Communication with the person may become difficult.
• It may be difficult to know how the person is going to behave next.
• Everything can start to revolve around the drinking.
• You may feel ashamed of his/her behaviour and become cut off from others.
• Practical difficulties may include accidents and money, sexual, legal and health problems.
• Children may understand more about what is going on than parents realise and their behaviour may change.
• There may be arguments and violence.
• You may feel responsible for the person's health, wellbeing or drinking.

We are all responsible for our own behaviour so don't accept the blame for someone else's drinking. It isn't your job to diagnose or fix the person.

You need to look after yourself especially if there is a risk of violence. This also means being clear about what you're prepared to accept from the person who is drinking.

You do not have to tolerate violence or abuse. Make sure you know who to contact and where to go. See our Useful Links and Resources section.

We cannot make someone stop drinking but we can encourage them to make changes.

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Some other things you could try are:

• Talk about the problems their drinking is causing.
• Make clear what behaviour you will not accept.
• Make clear what action you will take if it still happens. Don't make idle threats.
• Help the person to be realistic. Don't encourage promises they can't keep.

These things may not actually stop the person drinking but may prompt a change in their behaviour. They need to take responsibility for their drinking.

If you are concerned about a colleague’s drinking you can also contact the Alcohol Drug Helpline on 0800 787 797 for advice, or contact your workplace’s Employee Assistance Programme or health and safety person if you have one.

If at any time you wish to speak to someone anonymously about any concerns or questions you might have, you can telephone the Alcohol Drug Helpline on 0800 787 797.

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